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Pump Six and Other Stories
Paolo Bacigalupi

Slave Boy

Slave Boy - Evangeline Anderson It's like this bizarre hybrid of Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan/Anakin slavefic!namechanged!AU where the author talks about rosebuds and cum a lot. There are Jedi, er, Guardians Of The Light, who channel the Force, er, Light and mindlink and have padawans novices with whom they are not allowed to have sexual relations, nosireebob, and the older guy buys the younger guy from a slave market when he's twelve but looks eight and already too old to pimp out (which, hello, has now ruined the Phantom Menace for me forever, although that would require me to like it in the first place, but where was I?), and then former slave grows up to be older guy's padawan novice in the Order of Light (which even has a foreboding Council (no evidence of Samuel Motherfucking Jackson yet, though)), and then they're on a mission where they have to pretend to be master and slave or everyone dies.

Blah blah everybody loves each other but is too tormented to reveal it blah blah afraid of the Council blah blah hiding things from each other in their mind link blah blah seriously they have to pretend to be in a sexual master/slave relationship or the emperor of this one planet will totally blow up another planet. It's awesome.

And because it's from an erotic publisher, you get things like how the proper homage to the emperor is your cum to attain orgasm in his presence. And there's lovingly described magic advanced alien technology cock rings, and slaves have to wear tails up their ass to show proper respect (??? - my favorite was the description of the slave with the peacock feathers tail that made our padawan novice a little envious, his tail being far more simple), and then OMG THERE IS SEX POLLEN.

Okay. Is it just me, or if I am a Jedi Knight, er, Guardian of the Light or whatever, and I'm there on a special mission to keep an emperor from blowing up a planet because that planet's diplomats a) were vegetarian and 2) refused to have sex slaves/brand their servants posing as sex slaves/AS-YET UNREVEALED PLOT POINT GOES HERE OMG COULD THERE BE TREACHERY INVOLVED??, I think I would be paying special attention to the correct ration of red goo to blue goo that I'm supposed to be inserting into the bodily orifices of my padawan learner novice learner that I totally have the hots for? One part red to three parts blue, not the other way around! C'mon! Symbology! Etc!